485 dolls..

I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin. I always thought

of him as a friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found

that I fell in love with him. Before that trip was over, I took a step and

confessed my love for him. And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved

each other in different ways. I always concentrated on him only, but by his

side, there were so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him,

maybe I was just another girl… ”Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?” I asked.

”I can’t” ”Why? You need to study at home?” I felt disappointment grabbing me.

”No… I am going to meet a friend…” He was always like that. He met girls in

front of me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word

‘love’ only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say

‘I love you’ before. To us, there weren’t any anniversaries at all. He didn’t

say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days…200days…Everyday,

before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I

don’t know why… Then one day… Me: Um, Jin, I … Jin: What…don’t drag, just say..

Me: I love you. Jin: ……you….um, just take this doll and go home. That was how he

ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he

was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my room, one by

one. There were many… Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday. When I got

up in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room,

waiting for his call. But… lunch passed, dinner passed… and soon the sky was

dark… he still didn’t call. It w as already tiring to look at the phone anymore.

Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep.

He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.

Me: Jin… Jin: Here…take this… Again, he handed me a little doll. Me: What’s

this? Jin: I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I’m

going home now, bye. Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is? Jin: Today? Huh?

I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and

walked away like nothing had happen. Then I shouted… Wait…” Jin: You have

something to say?Me: Tell me, tell me you love me… Jin: What?! Me: Tell me I put

my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. But he just said simple cold words

and left. I don’t want to say…that I love someone so easily, if you are

desperate to hear it, then find someone else.” That was what he said. Then he

ran off. My legs felt numb…and I collapsed to the ground. He didn’t want to say

it easily… How could he…. I felt that… M aybe he is not the right guy for me…

After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying. He didn’t call

me, although I was waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every

morning outside my house. That’s how those dolls piled up in my room…

everyday

After a month, I got myself together and went to school. But what

made the pain resurface was that… I saw him on a street…with another girl… He

had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me…as he touched the doll… I

ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell… Why

did he gave these to me… Those dolls are probably picked out by some other

girls… In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the phone

rang. It was him. He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I

tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself

that I am going to forget him, that… it’s going to end. Then he came into my

sight, holding a big doll. Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?

I couldn’t help hating him, acting like nothing had happen and joking around.

Soon, he he ld out the doll as usual… Me: I don’t need it. Jin: What….why… I

grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road. Me: I don’t need this

doll, I don’t need it anymore!! I don’t want to see a person like you

again! I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days,

his eyes very shaking. “I’m sorry” He apologized in a tiny voice. He then walked

over to the road to pick up the doll… Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the

doll?! Just throw it away!!! But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll.

Then… Honk~ Honk~ With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him. “Jin!

Move! Move away!” I shouted… But he didn’t hear me, he squatted down and picked

up the doll. “Jin, move!” ….HONK~!….! “Boom!” That sound, so terrifying. That’s

how he went away from me.That’s how he went away without even opening his eyes

to say one word to me. After that day, I had to go through everyday with

guiltiness and the sadness of losing him… And after spending two months like a

crazy person…I took out the dolls. Those were the only gifts he left me since

the day we started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started

to count the days… when we were in love…“One…two… three…” That was how… I

started to count the dolls… “Four hundred and eighty four… four hundred and

eighty five…” It all ended with 485 dolls. I then started to cry again, with a

doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly, then suddenly… “I love you~, I love you~”

I dropped the dolls,shocked. “I….lo..ve…you??” I picked up the dolls and pressed

its stomach. “I love you~ I love you~” It can’t be! I pressed all the dolls’

stomach as it piled on the side. “I love you~” “I love you~” “I love you~” 

Those words came out non-stop. I…love you…

Why didn’t I realize that… That

his heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didn’t I realize that he

love me this much… I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it’s stomach,

that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on

it. The voice came out, the on that I was missing so much…“Jo…Do you know what

today is? We’ve been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I

couldn’t say I love you…. Um… since I was too shy… If you forgive me and take

this doll, I will say that I love you… everyday… till I die… Jo… I love you…”The

tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about

all this now? He can’t be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute…For

that… and for that reason… to me… it became courage… to live a beautiful life…

-END OF STORY-

Love of my life, JAJA.

Taken at marikina hotel

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can

completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never shared

with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear

more.You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals

that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.

When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing

they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you

when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never

do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but

rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you

special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition

but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not

worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.

The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk

become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories

of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it's like being young

again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily

life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all. A phone call or two

during the day helps to get you through a long day's work and always brings a

smile to your face. In their presence, there's no need for continuous

conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby.

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they

are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person

on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind

like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.You open

your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening

your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You

find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. 

Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security

is in knowing that they are a part of your life.

So, here's my hubby Jaja. We may argue a lot but still, you're the father of our baby and i'll be strong for the both of us. I love you so much bab! :)

Don't think it's love til it's gone..

This pic is not related to the story. HAHA this is me and my boyfriend captured in sm fairview :p

In eighth grade my mother and her new husband moved into a new house... in
a new town. Here I met new people and made new friends. Among these people were my neighbors Jesse and Lee. They were brothers. I met Jesse first when he was dating one of my friends. Over time Jesse and I began talking a lot and hanging
out. We became very good friends. One day while sitting out in Jesse's driveway
like we always did, I saw Lee. I swear I thought it was love at first sight. He
was so handsome with bright blue eyes and light blonde hair. He smiled at me in
this way that made my heart sink to the floor. I knew that Lee had noticed
me too because he always had that look on his face when he looked at me. You
know that look... the one that says "i have a crush on you but i don't know what
to do about it." I was in love with the idea of just having that kind of
attention from him. From that day on, every time I went to their house to
hang out with Jesse, Lee would always go out of his way to say "hi." Slowly, he
started hanging out with us every time we were together. It was usually the
three of us until one day Jesse decided that he should just let the two of us
hang out since that was what we really wanted. Lee started coming to my house
and hanging out more often. As i went into High School my crush became more
of a liking. I always had to be around Lee or at least see him. He worked at the
local grocery store so I would make my way there every day just to see him. We
became the closest of friends and we knew that we liked one another but I guess
we were just too afraid to do anything about it. Then he moved. Not just to
another house. Not just down the block, the street or to the other side of town.
He moved to Fort Wayne, Indiana. Quite a drive from Wisconsin. We would write
each other and I would get to see him on holidays and during the rodeo when he
would come to visit his grandma who was still my neighbor. Even though the
both of us had grown up and were more mature, we never wanted to do anything
that would turn what we had into some long distance relationship that would
never work out. We were growing up which included meeting and falling for other
people. I still had feelings for Lee but as time went on we became more distant.
We even stopped writing. One day during my junior year I walked into school
and someone told me that Lee had died. I couldn't believe it. I didn't believe
it. I didn't know what to say, do or think. I couldn't move and I couldn't
speak. I remember thinking to myself, "they have to be wrong," and "don't
cry." They said it was something in his brain. I thought I knew for sure
right then that it wasn't Lee. He was fine. There was nothing wrong with him and
if there had been I would've known. Then his cousin told me... it was true, Lee
was dead. He had an anorism in his brain which killed him instantly. There was
no way of detecting it. It just happens, rarely happens. But, "why to Lee?" I
asked myself. I couldn't do anything but cry. I went home that night and I
cried everything I had left to cry. I talked to Lee and Italked to God. I was so
overcome with anger and sadness that from that day until the day of the funeral
I didn't speak a word to anyone. I just didn't know what to say or how to think
anymore. I could barely keep myself together when I walked into the funeral
home. Right away I walked up to the casket and looked at his cold face and that
is when it truly hit me that he was dead. I couldn't hold back the way I had
wanted to. I began to cry and I fell to my knees. It didn't even look like him.
I felt his mother wrap her arms around me and tell me "Niki, it's going to be
okay." But I knew it wasn't. I then heard another familiar voice from
behind me saying, "I bet you never thought you would see his hair that color,
huh?" Talking about how red his hair was. I turned around and faced Jesse. He
tried to smile at me and that is when i knew that it would be okay. I grabbed
him and we stood hugging for a long time. He began to cry and he kept talking
about how the blood had staind his hair and they couldn't fix it. Why couldn't
they just fix it? As people came and left I just wanted to stay with Jesse.
So I stayed for hours. We just sat on a couch, not saying a word. Just to know
that we were there for one another made everything as good as it could've been
at that time. I started to think about the fact that I never got to show
Lee how much I really did LOVE him. Then I just broke down. I couldn't stop
crying. How could he have just gone away and never have known that I loved him?
Jesse hand me some tissues and then he got up. He reached into his pocket and
pulled out a folded piece of paper and said, "Go home and get some rest. I will
see you tomorrow." I looked at him with a curious expression as to referring to
the piece of paper. He hugged me and said, "when you read this you will know it
was for you." I went home and I crawled right into bed. I turned on the
lamp and unfolded the piece of paper. It read: WHEN TOMORROW STARTS WITHOUT ME When tomorrow starts without me and I'm not there to see If the sun
should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me I wish so much
you wouldn't cry the way you did today While thinking of the many things
you didn't get to say I know how much you loved me, as much as I loved
you And each time you'll think of me, I'll know you miss me too But
when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand That an angel
came and called my name and took me by the hand And said my place was ready
in heaven far above And i'd have to leave behind all those i dearly
love But as i turned to walk away a tear fell from my eye For all of
life I'd always thought I didn't want to die I had so much to live for and
so much yet to do it seemed almost impossible that i was leaving you I
thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad I thought of all
the love we shred and all the fun we had If i could relive yesterday, i
thought just for a while I'd say good-bye and hug you, and maybe see you
smile But then I fully realized that this could never be For emptiness
and memories would take the place of me And when I thought of worldly
things that I'd miss come tomorrow I thought of you and when I did my heart
was filled with sorrow But when I walked through heaven's gate i felt so
much at home when God looked down and smiled at me from his great golden
throne He said, "this is eternity and all i've promised you today life
is not on what is past but where it starts anew i promise no tomorrow but
today will always last and since each day's the same day there's no longing
for the past but you have been so faithful, so loving and so
true though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn't
do But you have been forgiven and now at last you're free so won't you
take my hand and share your life with me?" So when tomorrow starts without
me don't think we're far apart For every time you think of me... I'm
right here in your heart. I know that i could never feel the pain that
Jesse felt when he lost his brother and thinking back I feel like i was being
selfish for showing how much i hurt when he was hurting so much worse. I learned
something about Jesse that day. He is exactly like his brother. Although it was
his time of mourning he put it aside to make me feel better, and i will never
forget that. Every time I see Jesse I see a little bit more of Lee in everything
he does. And it heals my heart. The saddest thing about my story is that
the moral is true. People often don't realize that they have love until it is
gone or they just don't let someone they love know it until it is too late. Then
they wake up one day and say, "I love them." But, by then, they are already out
of your life. I just hope that everyone's chance doesn't end the way mine did.
Tell them how you feel or someday they will be gone, not just out of YOUR life,
but for good. And they will never know you loved them.



-nice story huh?-mwah!

I miss my Bestfriends :(

During angge's birthday

Our burlesque night.. :)

Well, kinda lonely this past few days coz i'm really starting to miss my friends. Specially this 2 girls who's with me all the time during the days I needed a family. Well actually, the li-lo thing happened last year. Since i am working in ortigas, I don't even have a time to go out with them coz i am really busy & tired coz of work. One of the reason also is I stopped drinking alcohol.yeah.. For the truth, i did stop drinking. I dunno. It's just that maybe i'm tired of hanging out all the time. Got lots of  family problems also, so maybe that's one of the reason why I focused on having a good life and settle things down. It's hard. Coz even if i wanna go out with them just to have coffee or in their house. Can't anymore coz of my busy schedule.. I'm still thankful they're still inviting me though to their parties,etc. But ofcourse everything has its end. I know they don't miss me that much anymore & for me it's normal. Maybe because they got tired of asking me out. I always fail to come with them. One of the reason also why I stopped acting like a "GALA" girl is because I'm gonna be a mommie soon.. So I am more focusing on being a responsible momma.. It's really hard.. But I know i'll get used to it.. It's just that i really do miss them. Honestly, i'm always lookin at our pics now. I feel jelly when they're posting pics together and i ain't with them. It's sad but i'm facing the reality that maybe they're tired of me. I just hope and wish that eventough things like this happen, they're still there. Coz it's already proven and tested. Whenever, I needed them, they're STILL there to help me on my problems, through bad and good times ofcourse! I am lucky having this 2 ladies as my best of friends. Coz we have the same thoughts for boys, girls stuffs. Actually i miss buying make-ups with them. I remember my birthday way back 2011, we celebrated on angge's and we bought and Etude bb cream for the 3 of us. It was fun and i miss those times. I don't regret the things i have for now because i'm happy with it. But I realized that I am losing my friends because of bein so much serious in life. Maybe i need to hangout again, (though i'm preggy). But time will come. It will happen again. In God's will. Love you Eunice&Angge. Thanks for everything. :-* Miss you bigtime eyutes!