12:03 am 112320

And another painful night. Its me again sharing how hurt I am for all of whats happening in my life now. I know that I need to look at the brighter side but sometimes all you need is to cry. 

So this is me after crying for almost 2 hours. 

I look so wasted huh? Siguro akala nung iba, ang OA ko for crying and for always feeling alone pero andyan naman mga anak ko whos always makin me happy and makin me stronger. Pero sometimes, malulungkot ka nalang talaga. Darating yung time na bigla ka nalang magbbreak down. Itatanong mo kung bakit kaya ganun? Bakit ganito? Hanggang kailan ganito? Kaya ko pa ba? May magbabago ba? Pero theres still so much to thank for. Mas madami pa din taong nahihirapan sakin. I still need to be thankful for my health, for my kids and for my family. 

Ever wonder why I always feel empty?  Siguro kasi there are things that I want that can never be mine. Siguro kasi may mga gusto ko gawin pero di ko magawa. Siguro kasi madaming akong need itama na mali. Siguro kasi i need to be stronger pa. Ang dami kong siguro. 

fYI. I Dont have depression. Sadyang iyakin lang ako. I cry whenever I think of something sad about my life. Whenever I think of someone I miss. I Cry easily listening to songs I can relate my life with. Iyakin talaga ko eversince. So this isnt new to me. 

Sorry blog if always sad nalang nakekeep ko sayo. Ill make sure to publish my happy days too. Its just that whenever I wanted to speak to someone and since I have no one and theres a lot in mind that I wanted to type, I share it with you. Xx

Anyway, its 12:16. My eyes are still maga as it is. I am not crying anymore. But guess I wont be sleeping yet. Gonna browse and watch some happy movies baka sakaling sumaya ako. We'll see. ,💞

Always,

Jhaaaaymieeeeee

what a dream

Woke up early today. Mga 4am ata or 4:30. Hay grabe nagising ako ng halos mangiyak ngiyak. Grabe yung panaginip ko. 😩 As in pinakita sakin yung reality. Sobrang sakit. Dalawa yung panaginip ko and parehas masakit. Umiiyak talaga ko sa panaginip ko. 😭 Ill tell the whole story later on. Di pa ko makahinga ng maayos sa nararamdaman ko ngayon. Brb 😩😩

kinda.

This statement is kinda true. Xx 

Sometimes we can afford to stay even if it hurts but it makes us happy at the same time.. 

So yeah i am in Love. 💞

No words can explain.

Definitely no words can explain how I feel lately. I've been out of words & I dont know what to do anymore. Its almost the end of the year & sobrang bobo ko pa din sa mga bagay. Idk how to fix myself anymore. I am in soooo sooo much pain 😔😭 and the hardest part is no one knows. Cant share how i feel to anyone so id rather keep it myself. Its hard when you cant show people what you really feel and you pretend that you are happy. They're not seeing your tears. They will never understand. Minsan pag naiisip ko umiiyak nalang ako. Kasi minsan nababawasan yung pain kapag umiiyak ako. And i dont know hanggang kailan ganito. Gusto ko lang naman umiyak habang may kayakap. May nakakaintindi kung ano ba talaga nararamdaman ko. Kaso wala. I am so empty.

Sometimes I am thinking what if maglaho nalang ako? Will it help me? Will it help me forget? Matatauhan na ba ko? Maybe.. just maybeeeeee..

Right now my goal is to go far away where I can cry and be wasted. Like ive been hurt a lot of times before but this one is different. 😭 What I am feeling is just so real & sobrang katangahan. 

I nvr regret feeling this way kahit masakit ksi i ddnt expect that ill feel this way again. 

Everyday mas lalong masakit. 

Everyday i always wish na sana umulan. Para may kasabay naman ako umiyak and mafeel ko na di ako nagiisa.  x_x

12:23am

Yaaa today is sunday and I kinda slept all day. 😩 I just woke up actually. So gp slept over saturday night & we kinda talk abt what happened between her and marco and other stuffs. We watched movies & tiktoks lol. she's my friend for like 5years i guess. 

So yeah. Sinundo ko siya and pinagdrive grabe super traffic ng zabarte that time. Nagwithdraw sa napakalayo and bumili ng food. We had fun though super puyat talaga ko. They're planning to have staycation next week again. But idk if ill join. Not in the mood tho. 

Anyways, am trying to divert my attention tho para makaiwas magisip and malungkot. Kaso pag alone nalang ako at the ene of the day, its still the same. Hay. Sobrang bad ko na ata guess i dont deserve to be happy😩 this is my consequence. Nakaka sad lang talagaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! 

Well new fiber got installed today. Idk my plans. I wanna go back to work and be busy. Maybe. Bahala na. 😔

paubaya